As I woke up earlier this day, words immediately cross my mind. I put it in a text message and send it to my friend who came along to me and check if I’m fine.
“The idle moments of our lives were made not to make us feel bored. They were made to help us realize that things are not happening based on our plans, that we think ourselves as a mistake for not doing things right, that we can’t anymore stand the changes, the pressure, the expectations turned to disappointments, the restlessness, and the loneliness. But as the idleness ends as you lift everything to God, a new hope is formed and a new reason to live is gained.”
No matter what view I would take, I still end up messing my life. I began with an end in mind and what I only got was blaming myself for causing all the pain. Last Friday’s night was never good to me. I was sluggish about my final requirement in a major subject.
Saturday was a day of “I-can’t-be-in-the-world-now”. I woke up in the middle of the day. I watched television and slept again by 2:00 p.m. I watched movie again by 5:00 pm, get online, watched television and slept by 1:00 am. Do you call this life?
I know I did this because it was choice after all, but it was because I am already starting to live a life that I don’t really wanted. I honestly came to the point of ending it for it was going nowhere. But my conscience startled me and compelled me to look for reasons why I should live longer.
Family? Friends? Dreams? Experiences? No, there aren’t enough. My heart and my soul is getting intolerable of such things. There’s more of them before yet I still mess up.
To tell you the truth, I was afraid to pray because I know I’ll just be drown in tears for being so vulnerable and inhuman.
I slept. I woke up 10:00 am today. My Mom was trying to call me and I don’t answer those calls.
I remained to be silent. I remained to be nothing.
And I can’t take this life because God had given me this for a purpose that I still don’t know up to this point of my life.
Marketing? It is not my business. Being here in Davao? It is not my first choice. And now, I don’t know where I am going and where my life is leading me.
What I am thinking right now? I thank God because He decided to create me and made me live for more than 18 years. I know then that I am more blessed than others of which I must be more thankful. I hope that I can bear with these things till the next days would end.