As I woke up earlier this day, words immediately cross my mind. I put it in a text message and send it to my friend who came along to me and check if I’m fine.
“The idle moments of our lives were made not to make us feel bored. They were made to help us realize that things are not happening based on our plans, that we think ourselves as a mistake for not doing things right, that we can’t anymore stand the changes, the pressure, the expectations turned to disappointments, the restlessness, and the loneliness. But as the idleness ends as you lift everything to God, a new hope is formed and a new reason to live is gained.”
No matter what view I would take, I still end up messing my life. I began with an end in mind and what I only got was blaming myself for causing all the pain. Last Friday’s night was never good to me. I was sluggish about my final requirement in a major subject.
Saturday was a day of “I-can’t-be-in-the-world-now”. I woke up in the middle of the day. I watched television and slept again by 2:00 p.m. I watched movie again by 5:00 pm, get online, watched television and slept by 1:00 am. Do you call this life?
I know I did this because it was choice after all, but it was because I am already starting to live a life that I don’t really wanted. I honestly came to the point of ending it for it was going nowhere. But my conscience startled me and compelled me to look for reasons why I should live longer.
Family? Friends? Dreams? Experiences? No, there aren’t enough. My heart and my soul is getting intolerable of such things. There’s more of them before yet I still mess up.
To tell you the truth, I was afraid to pray because I know I’ll just be drown in tears for being so vulnerable and inhuman.
I slept. I woke up 10:00 am today. My Mom was trying to call me and I don’t answer those calls.
I remained to be silent. I remained to be nothing.
And I can’t take this life because God had given me this for a purpose that I still don’t know up to this point of my life.
Marketing? It is not my business. Being here in Davao? It is not my first choice. And now, I don’t know where I am going and where my life is leading me.
What I am thinking right now? I thank God because He decided to create me and made me live for more than 18 years. I know then that I am more blessed than others of which I must be more thankful. I hope that I can bear with these things till the next days would end.
4 thoughts on “Idle Moments”
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11
When God gave these words for Jeremiah to declare to the people of Israel. Israel was taken into captivity, into a foreign land, they were captives to the Bablyonians and yet despite their captivity and exile God promised them that He had a plan. In these verse there wasn’t really any indication about when God will reveal to the people what His plans were and when it will take place but for them it was enough to know that God had a plan. A few chapters after that God did what He had promised.
I can feel your sentiment. Marketing isn’t really my course and Davao isn’t really my home but my assurance is that God has a plan, I may not see it, I may not understand it, but for me it’s enough comfort that there is a plan and God will fulfill His promises.
Always remember that when we ran out of reasons to live, our relationship with God will always remain and will always matter.
Yes Kuya Arby. Thank you! The ending part of all these sentimental moments is remembering that despite of all rejections and doubts of the future, God has already prepared something great for me for the future.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
– Isaiah 55:8-11
Another promise by God to us that even though we don’t understand His thoughts and His ways but rest assured that He will accomplish the purpose why He does the things He does and why the things that happens to us happens. :))
Bawal na mag-emo emo diha! :)) There’s a lot of reasons to smile and be happy. Things change we stop thinking about ourselves and start focusing on others. Thinking about ourselves is a trap that always lead to depression and anxiety.