2019: I “DEACTIVATED” FROM THE WORLD

It’s been 2 weeks already since I deactivated from this fast-paced world of constant communication and never-ending connectivity. And, I currently don’t know yet when I will exactly come back.

My 2019 begun by hoping that I’ll be better off than 2018 when I become allergic to the word “busy”. The first half of the year my life’s trajectory was going up. I was better on managing immense stress at work (or maybe things at work were in place that time), my family’s getting along as usual and all things in plan were happening little by little. I was hopeful then than I’m redeeming a bad 2018 this year. But no one will tell what will happen in the remaining months of the year.

My 2019 is definitely a tale of two halves. Unfortunately, the second half of the year I was drowning and isolating from the world.

My work uncontrollably consumed me. I tried to seek for help because I know I’m already struggling but it seemed like my situation is helpless. With that, I tried to show to everybody that I was still okay because I thought I can still juggle everything – relying to my own strength and “capacity” and I know everyone was full. But, I was too late to realize that I was overflowing. I’ve been crying day and night out of frustration thinking I was not doing well at work. I haven’t got enough sleep thinking of endless priority lists, skipping meals to finish deadlines and missed my supposed to be “vacations”. In the corporate world, they will tell you whether you “sink or swim”, that time I was totally drowning deeply.

It worsened when my family lost a big part of our lives. Until now, it still pains me to think about it. I got into a big fight with my parents and my sister for the very first time in my life. My relationship with Franz was about to crash down. My finances are in trouble. And everything else was falling apart.

I know inside that I was terribly ill. Yet, I still try to manage to tell to people I was okay. Still trying to manage to make people see what they know of me – happy, full of energy and positive. I tried to help myself by getting some sleep if I can, trying to pamper myself with massage, satisfying my cravings and all. But in reality when I am alone, I am tearing apart and about to lose my grip. I needed more help.

Later this year, I was diagnosed with two illnesses. Not everyone knows this except for my family and my closest friends.

(But now I’m sharing it to whoever reads this and my sincerest apologies if I missed to reply to your online messages and missed attending gatherings.)

I’m currently under full medication and recovery. I’m also trying to restore everything that was damaged and filling all the gaps in my life. It isn’t instant but I know it will happen one step at a time. And that’s what I really hope as I start the new decade.

I’m claiming a very positive and new beginning this 2020. Maybe not a fast start, but little by little I’ll be rising from drowning and will start again to swim through life.

In God’s perfect time, I’ll be back and swimming through life with full of purpose, hope, faith, love and positivity.

I definitely know that it is God who’s working on me this time. It is His way of telling me to come to Him, be with Him and never lose my grip to Him. And I know He will be with me as I face the new decade with full of hope, positivity and wellness.

As you read this and when we get to see each other on the streets or wherever it maybe, know that I prayed for you to have a blessed 2020 and for you to be a blessing to yourself, your family, loved ones and to other people.

Wishing you a bountiful, peaceful, healthy and loving 2020 and a brand new decade. 😇

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