The Mean Love

Getting back again. I just started the hopefully last semester in College. I’m crunching now the excitement and the anxiety both on the same hands this time because of “yes! i’m done with school, and what to do next?” feeling.  Catching up everything that I missed – academics, non-academics, friends, dreams, and down with the most (sigh), lovelife?

Alright! Reality check first, and yes! It’s awkwardly disturbing me. The alone moments of my life make me can’t get rid of having thoughts about this. I’m starting to talk mean here. But that made me write this blog as the new day starts – 2:40 am on my laptop’s clock.

So, here now. I get too much confusing thoughts why and how things reached this point? Before, all I ever wanted was the fairy tale guy,someone who seemed to be the knight in shining armor in my dreams, my hero and me being the heroine, and so on. This pretty little romantic thing had eventually became quite disgusting now. And this is not funny anymore.

All this time, I was only dreaming of a relationship with a happy ending. But we all know that in this life, even in fairy tales, there’s no always a happy ending. Maybe, what I learned after ending the long fascination of being in a relationship is that, don’t give too much of yourself on a relationship. Instead, leave something for yourself.  Too much will kill you. (It maybe funny with how I relate this learning with a song, but I guess it’s the best metaphor I can grab to make meaning clear.)

Losing the relationship was gaining myself but also, losing the urge to believe about relationships again. Maybe, that was the undesirable consequence that I have to face now. I just don’t know why it happened to be so complicated this time. I just can’t figure out why I’m having the hard time and difficulty to understand and get lose of myself and learn to believe that  relationships still work.

Honestly, I am feeling so guilty this time. For reasons that I can’t share why, but how I pray to find serenity on this thing and find answers to my question. I wanted to give myself a chance to learn to believe about the thing they called love, the intimate one for that special someone.

I maybe filled with love from my family, friends, and the things that I love which I am so thankful of. But, I want to understand that no matter how much I try to make myself free and let go of it and star on my own fairy tale story, still I end up, watching other’s story and leaving mine unfinished.

I hope to figure out the why’s of this.

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