I’m currently on my 4th day of weaning off from my 2-year long dependence on anti-depressants. The past 4 days were terrible. I was dozing off, nauseous and weak. I was irritable and felt so annoyed by everything around me. It was also bad timing when I was so dizzy (my first night) that I and Franz got into a heated argument that I was crying while breathing so hard with pain in my chest. At day time, when I stand or sit for so long and when I changed position, I am feeling like losing all the balance and coordination. My sleep during the past nights and even at daytime was so deep. I feel tired whenever I wake up.

To help me out from these withdrawal symptoms and make me “live” by the day, I bought an over-the-counter drug to ease me off from dizziness. And for now, it’s helping me. While writing this one, I keep on feeding myself sweet snacks because, for some sort, it’s giving me a bit of relief.

With all the difficulties and anxiety I experience as I wean off, I keep on reminding myself that I can get over this soon. By then, I will no longer depend on anti-depressants to get me through the day.

Weaning off feels like I am winning my long-time battle.

The battle with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety. Having depression back when I was diagnosed was like carrying all burdens and brokenness. Those were my darkest days. Those were the times that I felt like I am alone in my life and I don’t have anyone to run to despite the presence of the people around me. It was the moment when everything I did in my life was worthless and a mistake. I was giving up and I was crying for help.

That’s when I decided to seek medical help and there my healing journey started. And as I transitioned to living without my medication that helped me survive, I may still have anxiety and fear in me but I know I needed to let go for me to learn and come back stronger. I know that there will still be days that I will be broken. I will be in pain. I will be hurt. I will be depressed. These times are part of growing up, getting old and these are for sure inevitable. I know that when that time comes, I can rise up again and hopefully win against it over and over.

I’m scarred but I am strong. I never felt so better.

Quicksand by Kz Tandingan 🎵

As I continue this in the next days, I really pray that I can finish this strong – to finally live off from anti-depressants. To finally get away from my phone alarms to tell me to drink medicines. For every one of you reading this, remember that if I can get up from falling down, you can also do it.

I am no extra-ordinary. I am just like you fighting and winning with life one day at a time.

Oh by the way, if you needed some music to help you just get through the day, I have my Spotify Playlist – Rising from Depression. Just go search it. 🙂

Joba