It’s because when it’s cold you get to gather all your sentiments and thoughts coming from the past, getting what can be drawn from the future and what your present is allowing you to see. All the inklings are converged and converted into letters and into words that you can reminisce on the days when you are old.
Today, after a nonsense midday passed and taking view of sites in the internet, I realized a lot of things and one that triggered me to result to this…
Rewinding the days I lived recently, those were forgettable in a sense that insignificant events took place and ironically, those were at the same time unforgettable ones because they motivated me to think about a life that is still waiting for me on the next days. (With hopes that after having suicidal thoughts and queries, god will forgive me and hear my prayers for granting more years to make up something for His gift to me – my life.)
Upon thinking what to write next, the thoughts running into my mind are those times when I did like this. With this, I mean of those similar “turning points” in when I came to realize how vulnerable I am to facing life’s ups and downs and in denial that life’s challenges and trials are ingesting me wholly. In the end of every chapter of my “turning points” story, I abruptly shift my perspective that I’m changing to a better self and I’ll be a good one then. But those were just shifts of thoughts. There may be momentous times that I affirmatively responded to these shifts and eventually transformed my thoughts into pleasing actions. Well then, I congratulate myself for such discipline and determination.
Those momentous times I mentioned just comprise the small fraction of the whole story. The larger ones are more of my failures, disappointments, mistakes, arguable ideas, inconsistencies, frailties, negligence, lies, anger, pride, envy and disbelief on myself. Words to define the larger parts of my life are innumerable.
I am not that sure if blaming my fault is right, same as to condemn myself and my well-recognized optimism when I was still young be ravaged away that easily. It may be awful to know about this or how I become so mean to myself but that’s what my thoughts are arranged to be right now.
But I’m not losing myself because of this… (Finally the hope is here.)
Today, it’s raining, black-out, I’m playing mellow music inside my room.
I may have failed for several times but I think human nature is just in it. Nobody is perfect in this world. We are opt to commit mistakes in some point of our lives. Considerations for committing mistakes are welcomed. But committing mistakes of basic facts about life that even a kiddo can figure out if it should be done or not or just simply choosing which is right or wrong but still chosen to do the wrong one or just act irresponsibly, then considerations have no place to stay. So, as I assess myself taking my own principles in life, considerations are not good enough for me. I’d given up myself for committing the same mistakes over and over again.
More of that, I am also thinking that there’s a compelling force wherein I define as those stages of life like moments of stagnant insights, idleness and maybe boredom, that led me to fail but can actually made me dig my thoughts so deep. I may slightly sound so immature because I know that have been so bored for several times. But I am referring here the affirmative boredom wherein the macro scale of the idleness and the situations of the community, including my family, the pressure brought about by the society and the demands of life are should be taken maturely.
Uncertain if the compelling force is for real coming into my way, but I want to think it that way. I want so because the idleness led me to come up with these words where in I already felt the sense of matured humanity. Matured humanity, wherein I thought of life as a survival course, the world as a competition and I as a warrior that I need to be the fittest to remain fast and sturdy as I continue to live and not just exist.
In details, I am 5 months away from stepping again the bigger world – the real one. As I graduate from college, the weight of the responsibility is heavier. The need to sacrifice is bigger. The priority to become more responsible and accountable beyond control is demanded. So I must say, immature deserve no slots to take. I don’t think I could still be wrong this time in considering this as my compelling force to do things right and proper.
Even though, I still have hesitation about what can I do and how far can I go. Even though, I can’t still answer my question in of where does my life is taking me or where will I want to take my life, what’s good for now is that I have a clearer perspective despite of many shifts I undergone and for better, I am seeing a worthy purpose why I should still hope to live and stop just existing.
At the end of this, I don’t regret why the past days I lived are to happen that way because they’re God-made to drive me to this life’s hardest lessons to learn. Lessons not only to be learned but also to be applied and lived out.