I don’t know why I feel like I’m hurting because it seems that this thing is not into its own place.

Month ago, I decided to take my life get screwed of falling in love to a person I never seen and heard for many times. This was a person that my cousin ‘refer’ to me as someone who would fill my ’emptiness’ and maybe (I admit it) longing to someone who would take care for me and fill this emptiness. Days and days. Weeks and Weeks. And we had our 1 month of being together, or should I say as “we” to be called since never a time that we come together and see each other. Okay.

Here’s the thing. I hated myself then because of doing such. After a severe heartbreak in the past, I promised myself that I’ll never get into relationships again because of this – the hurt and pain. But reading to some articles about relationship make me change my mind and settle it to the idea that as part of growing up, thus when in relationship, is pain. That’s why it’s okay. So what I did, like for some months of qualifying things around me and giving my mind a chance to be open to possibilities, I give myself a chance to get into a relationship.

The feeling of ‘giving a chance’ overpowered the standards I placed for myself. Honestly, I tried and already bend my standards for this person when I decided to consider as someone more than I think of him. “Boyfriend” (Sigh!) I never really felt too much importance of him at first. The first month was nothing. It was like a joke. Everything was not real.

But this, I could perhaps say fortunately or unfortunately, I am missing him already. Yes, I was not able to see him even once but his presence are too close and I can’t help myself but to miss him. He is slowly capturing my heart and mind. And urgh! Why? I can never see it but I can really feel it. Is this really silly or just I am?

Just last night, we were talking about how things went up seriously, like SERIOUSly. I told him that I am not the type of person who’ll get into relationship and play games. I admit that I was never that in love with him we decided to be in a relationship but I never played game to him.

And he asked, ‘are you really that serious to me?’

And assumptions in my mind starting to grow. He told even more that he’s not that kind of serious in us because of the distance, because of we never seen each other.

Oh crap! I am very confuse now. I wanted to know if it is my fault and I wanted to know what should I do next.