In less than 24 hours, we are officially ending 2018. And before we close the year, I just realized that I acquired a new disorder – I became allergic to the word “busy”.
2018 was totally rough in all aspects of my life that I can’t wait to bid it goodbye. It was supposedly the year that I looked forward in the past 5 years. I wished for this – to be back in Davao, to live and enjoy my own home and live near my family. Just as these wishes are granted, I already envisioned how will the doors open for me and allow me to take my first step to easily and ultimately bring myself back on track to where I am before- immensely passionate on my craft, hungry for knowledge, overwhelmingly driven to explore, and outrageously organized.
But in reality, the universe will not effortlessly grant the perfect rhythm as what it is envisioned to be. Instead, it can make you just dislike a should-have-been-enjoyable-rollercoaster-ride or even up to the extent of falling out and losing yourself during the entire ride.
And 2018 just made me feel the latter one.
My entire days, weeks and months of the year seemed to be an installment payment of my granted wishes. And the price was never cheap. There were many nights that I wish to buy sleep for myself but I couldn’t because I can’t afford it. There were weekends that I wish to enjoy it with my loved ones but I couldn’t because trading it is too costly. The whole year was extra challenging because it seemed like I was carrying a herculean responsibility while fighting a lot of fire on a daily basis and trying to keep all the struggle within. And it was insane!
There were days that I tried to escape from these restless moments – travelling alone, drinking so hard late at night or disappearing from the world by disconnecting to people and just run away from responsibilities. I even jokingly say to the people around me that, “I need my life back”. Jokes that are literally true and bursting from within. I knew that I sounded so vulnerable, immature and irresponsible because of what I did. I know that these running-aways are just band-aid solutions. But I don’t have a choice, I needed my sanity. It was this time that I needed myself more than anybody else.
2018 consumed me and I still can’t imagine how I was able to survive it.
It frightened me to tears realizing that I gave so much for my work and yet, I never felt so fulfilled doing it. It terrified me that all of my travels this year seemed to be an act of irresponsibility for other people more than a reward for myself. It startled me that for the longest time of being conscious of my health, I repeatedly ran to the hospital this year and confined after 17 years. It made me so upset that I can’t give even write a blog even one for this year because I’d rather beat that work deadline instead of finishing my so-called personal achievements. It created so much guilt in my heart when I keep on arguing with Franz for him to be understanding of my job yet deep inside I know I’m currently on the wrong side. And it frustrated me when friends already assume that I am always in distant and associate my life with the word “busy”.
The list goes on and on and on…
I just need my life back!
I am just grateful of the many things that 2018 taught me despite its dramatic story. The lessons I learned the painful way. It made me realize how valuable time is more than any bill in my wallet. It imparted me how precious relationship with our loved ones is more than that excel sheets. It reminded me that health is more important than that deadline. And it taught me well that we all deserve to rest and be rested.
I am just pleased how I was able to keep this tiring heart, body, mind, soul and disposition going throughout the year without the people around me obviously noticing it.
Goodbye 2018! You’ve been so hard to me and left so many marks. You are definitely one for the books!
P.S. Super thanking my furbaby – Yuki for absorbing all the stress I gained this year. You are such a bundle of remedy.
Super P.S. This is the only and first and last blog post I published this year because I know that myself deserves to let this grudge out for 2018!