Lazy days are what my days are called.
After the ‘painful’ experiences I’ve gone through, it was difficult to rise up again and recover everything that has been damaged. Grudges were kept. Anger settled. Hatred lived. I began to curse that person for causing me too much pain. He changed me, my positivity and how I see the world. He was so strong that I became so vulnerable. I was defeated. My strength shook and left unaided.
Until now, it’s there.
I even thought how easy it is for people to say that “It is not what happened, it is how we responded to what has happened.” Yes, I couldn’t agree more to that. But I cannot also disagree that as human, we have these vulnerabilities that when stepped down, we lose ourselves and as if nothing can be pulled back together. Maybe all I thought I was that strong, that brave, that courageous to face life’s whereabouts. I was proven wrong. But this doesn’t mean that I will thank the person who hurt me for making me realize my vulnerabilities.
The pain is there. But I choose to be healed. Forgiving might be hard for now. But I wanted to be recovered.
I’ve lost my drive, my motivation, even my purpose. I didn’t even care about my job, my health, how I groom and what I do. Too much, right?
But maybe, there’s too much in there. And I think, I better wrap myself up and start giving myself a chance to be happy again. I might hate seeing that person again. But I need to learn to hate him and let go of him as if he never existed and as if I never met a kind of person like him. We might be seeing each other day by day because he turned out to be my boss. But definitely, this will not take too long. This will pass.
I am giving myself a chance to recover, not because of him, but because I’ve lost myself too much and I wanted to be whole again for all the people that endlessly loved and cared me.