Life-changing decisions.

Because one thing that can help you is to be plainly HONEST to yourself.

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To be real enough, life’s not getting any easier now. I wondered how I became much deeper than the usual. I thought of myself twice, of my future thrice, of the people around me many times, and many other things. At some point in time, I asked myself, “Can I just be still? Think nothing and let everything flow.”

In a rapid tick of the clock, my decisions changed. The timing was unexpected. It made the road more unclear yet something to look forward to. It’s getting more serious this time. The decisions I made in the present paves my way to the future. Truthfully, it’s scary.

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Here’s what happened.

I have been locked up with the ambition of becoming a pediatrician way back childhood years. My intent? The very mainstream – to help those who needed my help. Because of my lack of knowledge of how can I better help other people, all I thought of is becoming a doctor. Maybe, attached to it is status quo. It’s a decent profession. People will look up to you and positively, you get to inspire people. It can be a good means of earning for a living. Yet, way too expensive and too long to wait before it will happen. Second, my dream hobby is cooking and baking. It’s a skill I wanted to master and be great at it. I wanted to known for it. I wanted to delight people because of it. I wanted to express myself through it. With it, I somehow wanted to earn something from it.  Being a chef and a medical doctor is my life’s target. These two are my treasures. If asked how I would want to look back my life, it’s to be one of it or greatly, as both. The extravagant life, the travels, the leisure, those are all side dishes. Even material things are just a pinch of it.

At the very start, I was given a choice to lead my own path. I was there already. Yet, I mistakenly (I don’t know still if it’s a mistake) entertained my homesickness and decide to let go of the dream and pursued something I don’t even wanted to lick – Business, Marketing, Management.

The 4 year struggle was way too long. But I survived. I conquered it even with flying colors. Right now, for 3 months already I tried to practice my profession. Honestly, I was induced and tighten up with pressures around me. After graduation, a question of personality and capability will arise when you don’t have a job. (That’s what I thought of.) The want to earn my own money was there on the first hand. I wanted to buy things on my own.  I am afraid that people will look down on me if I remained in our town doing nothing. I even argued with my father about my work. But..

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For quite sometime at work, there was again an innate struggle. Still, I wasn’t able to let go of my dream. My desire to let it go for 4 years didn’t successfully happen. It was there and it is still here. I am asking myself why. Many nights I was crying because I miss my family terribly. It was first time that I wasn’t able to go home for 3 months. Within that month, I might not have a chance to be with my family completely for a day or two. I feel so lost. The longing is killing me and I’m having no inspiration to express myself. I know I am in deep trouble yet I neglect to entertain. I still pursue and instead tried to embrace and accept whatever is laid down. But I’m crashing down…

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I knew it since then that I’m not liking the kind of work that I have. Because if I do, no matter how long I would stay awake doing all the reports and preparing for all the events, it will always be gratifying. But no, it wasn’t after all. I’m losing energy day by day. I don’t find enough reasons to wake up again another day. I always wanted it to end so fast. Thanks to the night outs, eat out and all the rolls out that kept my feet walking on the streets and doing my job. No wonder I don’t have the courage to change my facebook status. The 3 months would perhaps consists of 1 month of overwhelming boring work, and 2 months of overwhelming stressful, struggling and not energizing work for me. I planned to quit. Maybe January? To suffice my wants, my travel expenses. Maybe October, because I can’t take it anymore. And finally August, because I can’t hold on to it and maybe because God used my Father to give more reasons and courage to do so. Resigning.

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The authorities over me wondered why this urgent. I too, asked myself, maybe because there’s too much of it and I really want to go home and go back to the people who make me feel I’m not just existing but living with significance. When my father called up one Thursday evening, it was one of the extreme nights of sadness, happiness, gratitude, and confusion. I was crying over the phone, when all he knew I have colds, of which I was all crying too hard silently. He told me, “There’s nothing to worry about when leaving things, he believes that there’s still more door for me to open.” What struck my heart the most is when he uttered, “With your work now, how can you be doctor?” I never thought of him telling me those words. And maybe it’s time.

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He added the opportunities that I can grab because I am still young. But what’s only on my mind that time, is to go home and talk to them face to face. Here’s my chance, I think it’s the right time to let go before they (the company) can invest more to me and before I can leave more prints which makes the transition more difficult. I know I can’t do more of what they expect because I will not do it. I don’t have more energy to do it. This time, I am not losing my chance. I decided to pursue whatever is bothering me. And I cannot afford to regret more of not trying to.

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It’s very hard to let go. Especially when you don’t really know where to start again. It’s gonna be a long walk for me. I am feeling so vulnerable and weak. Yet, hopeful after all.  I cannot risk more my life, doing more of my marketing work will create more conflict within me but I must let go despite of the uncertainty and despite of the hesitations and fear. Right now, I am clouded with fear. I am clouded with thoughts of criticisms I will receive from the people around me. I am deeply fearful. I never felt like this before and I don’t know what to do. I might not have gathered enough courage but I will try again from scratch.

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Even until now, I still blame myself for not being so much courageous before when I was already on my first step of making my dream as a Pediatrician come true. I even allowed myself to finish up a different course. I applied for a job trying to practice it and here I am now. Lost! Truthfully, I am afraid again to commit mistakes. I know people around me will throw criticisms at me because of all of this. They might say, “I should have made up mind, You don’t think well. You’re wasting money. You’re making wrong decisions.” I don’t know how could I bear this all. Really, I don’t know what to do when this happen.

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Maybe, I will rest for the mean time. Find myself and spend my life with my family. The people who are my strength, my support, the people who will always support me despite of my failures, despite of my mistakes. I hope for their understanding. I hope for their support as I desire to pursue my dreams. I know I should not think more of the criticisms. Instead, I should grow stronger each day with enough strength to carry on a life filled with dreams and finding ways to achieve it.

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Despite of my fear of failing, I know that the first thing to make your dreams come true is by making way to achieve and that is to work for it. Work hard for it. It may still be unsure by I know God has plans for me.

photo by Santi Banon | www.flickr.com/photos/santibanon/4917836514/

 

Right now, I still don’t know if it’s gonna be a Doctor or a Chef before my name. But I am excited what God has in store for me. 🙂

 

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