Step back, Go forward and Fight!

3.14.12 One good morning. The alarm woke me up early 6:45 this morning. I grab my laptop and notebook trying to study for my last exam this semester. But before I”ll do that, I opened my facebook and found inspiring things.I  don’t know if it’s really inspiration. I just hope it is.

Scrolling my newsfeed down, I saw a lot of graduation “status”. Some of them even regard of  the awards they’ll be getting during graduation. I paused and think for a while.

Should I really need to get an award during my graduation? YES! That’s was I guess a “proud” answer. Remembering the steps I”d walked from the old school days. My answer to the question would be, “YES! because I want my Mama and Papa to be proud of me. I want to pay them back everything that they spend for me to go to prestigious schools. I want to return to them the hard work they exerted, the sacrifices they made to give me their fullest support.”

For myself, seeing my parents and my relatives smile and hearing them so proud of me are the greatest awards that have been conferred to me. Not medals, not speech to say during the commencement exercises, not the certificates, but the feeling that everybody is happy because you made it.

However, human nature shouts, there will ever be sometime that we can think of our achievements, something also for our own self regardless of what the ‘they’ will say and think of us.  Maybe, since grade school and high school, I was awarded as second of everything. I got this crazy dream of trying to be first even just once in my life. But behind my back, a thought of “you don’t even deserve to be one”, ” you are not that first-person-material person”. Honestly, I don’t want to get so much disappointment because of course of too much expectation and yet I failed. Sometimes, I rather chose to settle for mediocrity, I may not have the high regard I wanted at least, I am certain that when I fall, I won’t fall that high and it wouldn’t be that painful.

But is it really like that? Am I the one that should be called as coward? fearful? For so many times, I fall, I bent down, I am always discouraged, I am always disappointed. The worst, I get used to it and I never want to settle anymore for anything greater than I can. I’m afraid to be better. I am afraid to see the best of me. I am tired of pursuing and yet failing.

It  is just that after all the grays of my life, I see myself not fighting anymore. I see myself covering beneath the shield I was holding.

When will I fight again? When will I stand again and hold my armor? The battle is not year over. I still have a year to fight back and accept the challenges.

God, be my guide. God, be my armor and my shield. Let give this year a good fight. 🙂

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