COFFEE snobs can find more than froth and sugar at the bottom of their cups – personality lives there as well.
While strolling out of a cafe on the way to work, that cup of coffee in your hand is actually emitting hidden meanings to passers-by.
James and Moore describe the espresso as “the unfiltered cigarette of the coffee-drinking world”. Espresso drinkers tend to be moody, hard-bitten and hard working. They are into leadership and fast goals. They don’t suffer fools but are hard living and prone to “night-time shenanigans, followed by a rather louche attempt at day-time repair”. The espresso drinker can be an experienced, exciting and consummate lover but is not known for reliability or unswerving loyalty.
Black coffee drinker
This type is all about minimalism and takes a no-frills, direct approach to life. The black coffee drinker can be quiet and moody but prone to brief bursts of extroversion. “A difficult but potentially rewarding friend, colleague or partner,” James and Moore conclude.
Typically metrosexuals or cuddly-toy collectors, latte drinkers are pleasers with an overwhelming compulsion to be liked. A latte-drinking boss will use a baby voice to tell you off. By taking a dark and dangerous drink and turning it into a comforting milky bedtime beverage, James and Moore say latte drinkers reveal that while they may want to come across as hot-shot contenders, they have an immature side.
What’s not to like about the extroverted and optimistic cappuccino drinker? Like their drink, cappuccino drinkers are all froth and bubble, bored by detail and liking – but not obsessed with – material objects. “Freud would have a field day here,” write James and Moore. “Cappuccino froth gives the tongue the mother of all workouts and is all to do with the physicality of the experience rather than the basic consumption of the beverage.” The cappuccino drinker enjoys sex but is easily bored by an unimaginative partner.
Instant coffee drinker
These are cheerful, straight-forward types, who like a laugh and live by the maxim “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”. But instant coffee drinkers can be unadventurous in their careers and need to let others see the hidden depths in their personality. The no-nonsense instant coffee drinker is allergic to pretentious behaviour, say James and Moore, and they are likely to keep on their socks during sex.
Flighty and shallow, the frappuccino drinker will try anything once – especially if a celebrity has done it first. They fancy themselves trendsetters but send out the message that they are someone who favours style over substance. The frappuccino drinker’s relationships often last as long as their drink choice.
Decaf soy milk drinker
A self-righteous eco-worrier and attention-seeker with a tendency to be picky, fussy – and squeamish in the bedroom. What’s more, this faux choice implies a pretentious, high-maintenance type who wants what they can’t have and is disguising their true personality. “If caffeine gives palpitations and cow’s milk brings you out in spots, there’s little hope for you in the cockroach society that is city dwelling,” James and Moore conclude.
Unfortunately, the verdict isn’t good. Frightened of coffee equals frightened of life, say James and Moore. If the taste of coffee puts you off you really are a child, they say, and it’s time to join the world of grown-ups.