I just have to do it because I know I need to do it. I am mad. I am tired. I am broken. And I can’t anymore keep it all alone that’s why I need to write it to lighten up the load.
Even before, I was trying to lengthen my patience and understand the situation as much as I could. We ran the same blood and nobody can ever replace them. They are my first and lasting inspiration… until I’m over that feeling.
I loved my family so well that I used to forget myself. I loved my family so dearly that I always think of them to be protected more than anything else in my life. I thought that it was perfect, not maybe a perfect life, but at least a perfect family. I was a good daughter, a caring sister until I gave up being one. I was tired. I lose all my energy for them.
Less appreciation in every sacrifice you have taken is considered, considered every single moment that goes by. I believed that our left hand need not to know what our right hand was doing. I thought every single moment it happened that it is okay. At least, I was able to made them happy. At least, I was able to create a lasting memory with them. I remembered when I was still younger. I strived to do better in school to get the scholarship so that I can help my parents with the finances. I studied well to achieve recognition and make my family be proud of me. More than any self-esteem, I am more determined to become what my parents would want me to be.
When I was about to enter in college, I was on my first step in becoming a pediatrician in a big university miles and miles away from home. I got homesick and decided to take my baby steps in a city nearby. In my mind, I was so disappointed of myself for having a weak heart. I thought that I have disappointed my parents more because of being indecisive and spending so much money for changing decisions. And I decided to lose my steps and follow their steps, considering that medical school is so expensive, over a ‘good’ deal despite a heartbreak with my dream. I forced myself to love a business course and kept that good deal in my heart that after finishing school I will pursue for medical school. Years have gone and school was done. I became an employee and my hard-earned money was spent for groceries at home, school supplies and clothing for my siblings and my parents. When I travel away, I always buy goodies for them and it is always a must for me. One day, my father told me to quit my job because he will support medical school. Until I realized that he made me quit my job to help him in a project he is doing that I don’t want to do. I was so depressed and I got myself stuck in a helpless situation. Until an invitation came and I got accepted. Without any financial and moral support, I stood up for myself and tried to rebuild my broken dream. I enjoyed my job, assigned in a far area and got to find a new dream – to travel and see the world. I earn sufficient money to fully sustain my needs and my wants and eventually, my family’s needs. I send money for my siblings studies, clothing, utilities, bought stuff for our house, spent for every family occasion, go on a travel with them because it was one of my dreams too. I didn’t expect anything in return, even a thank you is not even expected but only wished.
But then again, less appreciation in every sacrifice you have taken is considered, considered every single moment that goes by. I got used to it. I thought that the appreciation is not necessary at all. But never ever an intentional lie can be considered and given a chance to just pass by. The pain is tolerable when you are betrayed by your enemies but the pain is self-soothing deeply when betrayal comes from your friends or loved ones, worst from your family.
It was clearer to me even before that no material thing can equate a meaning of life. Similarly, no material thing can destroy life, specifically relationships. It’s the lying. It’s the insensitivity. It’s disregarding and taking for granted the person who value you the most. It’s losing respect to a person. I can’t hide it. It’s just I felt so betrayed. It might be too much for a feeling, but it is what it is. I refuse to talk to my parents because I am vulnerable to seeing them hurt. Even it needs to be done to fix the damage it caused, but the pain have grown and I am not ready to keep up a presence with them. The feeling is more than other person would reject me. The feeling is much heavier and immensely, more painful.
I kept grudges to them until this very moment. I intentionally don’t answer their calls and reply to their messages. I began to enlarge a stoning-heart. I don’t know when will I have the courage to start the healing but I just know, it’s not yet the right time.